Almost picked up by a prostitute at 11:05 am on April 29
I was running an errand about an hour ago and realized that I was about to run out of gas. Literally, the gas light has been on for two days. So I head to the closest gas station relative to where I was, which just happened to be in a shady area. Below is the conversation I had with an incredibly entrepreneurial young lady.
Me:Some gas. I was about to run out.
Prostitute:No, I mean what you wantttttttt?
Me:I'm afraid I don't understand what you are asking me?
Prostitute (begins touching my sports coat):You match up your clothes so good. Where dat tie from?
Me:It was a gift.
Prostitute:So whatchuuuu waaaanttttt?
Me:I'm actually all done pumping my gas and I have an incredibly important meeting to get back to. Good luck in your endeavors.
Brief e-mail exchange between Matt and me re: TEXAS
Me sending e-mail to Patrick CC'ing Matt:We are leaving RDU on American Airlines flight 595 at 3:20pm on Thursday. Will be getting to Dallas at 5:25pm. On Sunday we are leaving Dallas at 6:40pm. Also, do Matt and I need to bring anything special to wear? By that I mean sports coat or something similar?
Matt responds to all:We are going to Texas not Queen of Hearts. Bring a cowboy hat.
For those of you who are new to this blog — I have a tradition of putting up a picture of Kim Kardashian on Fridays. This was the first of my weekly tradition. Subsequently, I added Blake Lively Monday. BL Monday made me look fwd, as much as possible, to Monday mornings. And somewhere along the line, I added the weekly Top 5 Countdown. A couple of weeks ago, I mentioned that KK Friday was starting to wear on me a bit. I was a little disgruntled with KK for A) having gross feet B) being a terrible person and C) not producing enough solid pictures each week for me to pick and choose rare gems.
With all this being said, I’ve decided that today, April 24, 2009, I will put an end to KK Friday. My love hex has been undone. Yes, it’s an undeniable diagnosis. With this post I’m bidding farewell to the first tradition of Loafersansocks. My reasons are not wholly explicable.
This turn of events has made for a difficult decision. Should I replace KK Friday with something else? To a certain extent, it would feel like cheating. KK was the first love of the site. She left readers and skimmers, alike, with a bouncy ending to the week.
But after minutes and minutes of thought, I decided that there is ONE person that could truly replace KK on Friday afternoons. That person… drum roll please…
I’ve received a lot, and I mean a lot, of positive feedback when posting pictures of her. And as we all know… I aim to please. Today. April 24, 2009. Will be the first inAPpropriate Friday. Cheesy. Shit. I need a better name.
In college, my friends and I used to assign dollar amounts to awful stuff and ask each other if we would do said deed for said amount of money. I won't go into details because most of the stuff was wretched. But something funny happened this morning. I walked into the office and apparently two admin assistants had been discussing threesomes. Below is the conversation...
AdminAssist:For $2 million dollars would...
Me:Let me interupt you and tell you a couple of things.
AdminAssist:Oh, you are getting serious.
Me:I used to have this conversation with friends in college once, maybe twice, a week. And the same conclusion was drawn each and every time... There are very few things I wouldn't do for the dollar amount you just suggested.
AdminAssist:You didn't hear the question. It was going to involve Bill and Hillary Clinton.
Me:Whatever it was. I'd PAY $2 million to be involved.
Rachel and I had ‘the conversation’ this weekend. You know which one I’m talking about. It’s serious. It’s important. Hell, it’s imperative. It’s the who-is-in-your-five conversation. If you aren’t familiar with this list it’s OK. I’ll explain.
You and your partner must agree on five people that the other could coo seductively at or get to know in the Biblical sense without any sort of negative consequences.
I wasn’t witty enough to think of someone like Barack Obama to put on my five, but everyone knows that Hill-Dogg Clinton has a special place in my heart. And I know that Rachel wouldn’t mind if Hill-Dogg came to teach me some diplomacy.
Do you ever find yourself saying, “Man, I’d like to be so and so”? Yeah, me too. All the time. Not because my life sucks, but simply because it’s fun to put yourself in other people’s shoes. And to imagine that you are richer than a mofo.
This week, I’ll count down the top 5 people I’d want to be. Not that you care, but you might be surprised by some of the choices.