Loafers Sans Socks

It’s on, neighbors.  Last night, I went to see Piranha 3D with my roommate and some friends.  I’d been drinking Johnnie Walker Red Label out of an ice cup for 2 hours while watching flesh-eating fish tear apart porn stars.  I was in a good mood.  Tyler and I pull in our driveway and notice that someone has moved our cone.

Here’s the backstory on the cone.  The cable guy came to our house a few months ago and put a cone in our driveway to ensure that no one driving down the street would hit the back of his truck.  When he left, he left the cone at our house.  Our house is tucked back a little and difficult to find if you don’t know where you’re going.  So my roommate and I decided to leave the cone at the edge of our driveway so friends who were coming over would know where we were.  It’s not obnoxious.  You would never really notice it.

But one of our neighbors apparently doesn’t like the cone.  So he or she, while we were gone, took the cone and threw it behind our house.  I was infuriated.  At first, I thought about putting a sign on the cone that said, “If you touch this cone again I will call the cops.”  However, I decided that was too easy.  I figured all of the granola-eating hippies that live around us wouldn’t be deterred by that (especially my neighbor to the right whose God-given name is Garfield).

So then Tyler and I devised a new plan.  If the cone bothers these idiots, then what’s going to be in our yard from now on is going to make them burst into flames.  The cone is staying — fact.  But in addition to the cone, our guests will have other landmarks to look out for. Here are a few:

1) Pink Flamingos

2) Garden gnomes

3) Kiddie pool (w/ slide)

So folks, if you are ever in Raleigh and want to see a spectacle shoot me an e-mail and I’ll tell you where I live.  Because I’m about to make it rain with obnoxious junk in the front yard, and all of the neighbors are going to have to sit on their front porches glaring at a fair-style House of Horror for the next year.

So tonight’s the night — going to see Piranha 3D.  I’m a little concerned though.  I was just on Rotten Tomatoes and the movie has surprisingly high ratings.  Right now, 75% of critics say it’s good.  Clearly, you don’t go see a movie like this because it’s critically acclaimed.  Here’s a prime example of a review:

“Many new 3D films aren’t designed for the medium, but Piranha 3D is ideal: an exploitation movie with lashings of blood, bouncing bare breasts, and masticated body parts being thrown around, all fake as hell and often funny.”

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